During childhood, parents help shape their children’s personalities by sharing principles, values, habits, ways of relating to others, and so on. Children observe, absorb, and learn. This foundation becomes a framework for their identity. At this stage, it is essential to set limits so children can learn to deal with the frustrations of real life, where challenges and consequences are much more complex.
Once this initial personality has taken shape, questions naturally arise about which path to follow in life, what career to choose, and what decisions to make. At this point, autonomy becomes essential. Children need to make what they have inherited their own, rethink the lessons they have received, and decide on a direction for themselves. At this stage, parents take on the role of guides, offering encouragement and advice.
In other words:
- Parents provide roots (security, values, and examples).
- Children grow wings (decisions, choices, and freedom).
This balance ensures that upbringing does not become a prison, but a starting point for a mature and authentic adult life. When parents cross this delicate line and insist on controlling decisions that should belong to their children, such as their choice of career or life partner, several problems can arise. The table below presents some of the negative consequences this excessive control can have on children:
| Aspect | Choice Imposed by Parents or Society | Choice Made Freely by the Child |
|---|---|---|
| Motivation | Low, because the child may not identify with the field | High, because the choice matches personal interests |
| Academic Performance | May be average or inconsistent due to lack of motivation | Often better because of genuine interest |
| Mental Health | Greater risk of anxiety, frustration, and depression | Greater emotional well-being and fulfillment |
| Family Relationships | Can lead to resentment and conflict | Builds trust and mutual respect |
| Job Market | Too many professionals may end up in traditional fields | A wider range of talents and more innovation |
| Creativity and Innovation | Limited when there is no genuine interest | Encouraged as people explore their potential |
| Personal Satisfaction | A feeling of having an unfulfilled life | A sense of purpose and fulfillment |
As the table shows, when a career is imposed, the impact tends to be negative for both the individual and society. Free choice, on the other hand, encourages motivation, innovation, and emotional well-being, benefiting the child, the family, and society.
When parents impose a path, their voice carries a different kind of weight from that of friends or peers. It is the foundational voice that helped shape the child’s identity. When parents first build this foundation and later demand very specific choices, an inner conflict arises because the child’s space to make their own decisions is reduced.
The same voice that taught values and provided security now imposes paths that do not match the child’s wishes. This creates psychological conflict because the child cannot simply ignore that voice, as it is deeply rooted in their upbringing. A vicious cycle may follow: the young person tries to obey their parents but feels inauthentic. When they try to break free, they feel guilty or afraid of disappointing them.
This vicious cycle, in which the young person feels inauthentic when obeying and guilty when trying to break free, can lead to deeper consequences. It is harmful because it traps a person between loyalty to the voice that shaped their personality and the need for autonomy to live their own life. Parents who act this way end up raising children who are immature and dependent, with little creativity or enthusiasm for exploring life’s possibilities and challenges.
Families who have built wealth through businesses or investments may need to plan for continuity, a process known as succession. There are ways to support the parents’ wish to continue the business while respecting their children’s autonomy:
- Separate values from roles: Parents pass on the principles that shaped the business, such as ethics, long-term vision, and discipline. Their children can decide how to apply these principles in management.
- Prepare gradually: Children can start with smaller responsibilities and take on more over time, eventually moving into leadership if they choose. This gives them time to develop their own identity.
- Establish family governance: Some families create boards or family protocols with clear rules about who can take on roles, how decisions are made, and how conflicts are resolved. This can reduce the weight of parental authority.
- Mentor instead of imposing: Parents can act as mentors and share their experience and advice without becoming their children’s bosses. This allows children to feel supported while keeping their autonomy.
- Let children choose: Some families allow their children to decide whether they want to work in the business. Those who do not can contribute in other ways, such as being shareholders or advisors, without being forced into executive roles.
Ultimately, we need to recognize that raising children does not mean choosing their future for them. It means offering guidance and support so they can learn to make their own choices. It is important to support their autonomy without breaking the bonds and guidance young people also need. To me, that is what it means to give children roots and wings: to love them enough to guide them, and to trust them enough to let each one build their own path.